Olympics Visitor Warning and the Canadian Ninja

Woman punches off coyote attack
Mother fought off cougar to save toddler from attack


It is widely believed that Canadians are ninjas. This myth is obviously false, since we have an obesity rate rivalling that of the USA (okay, not really), but when it comes to fighting off large animals, the inner ninja prevails.

Linked above, an article about a woman who saves her dog from a coyote. I have a little dog, and she is always trying to run off to play with the coyotes. She hears them howling from our backyard, and since it would be very not-pretty to fence in our yard, she generally makes a break for it. Luckily, we always catch her before she reaches the forest. Those damned coy-otes are always hungry.

In order to protect from coyotes, make sure to have a guard animal, such as a llama, or a donkey (seriously.). Coyotes aren't that large and generally live off rodents. If you have a dog that looks like a rodent, like I do, then maybe you should invest in a loyal llama to protect your rat-dog.

Cougars, on the other hand, are massive. My parents always told me that if I wasn't careful, a cougar would eat my face. Apparently, they are quite well known for face-eating, though Wikipedia stubbornly claims that they are more likely to jump you from behind (which is also scary). This website insists that only 5 people in the last 100 years have been killed by cougars, and that three Canadians a year die from bee stings.

This is because ninja powers are useless against bees. Unless you can do that trick from Wanted where the nerdy dude suddenly had the ability to shoot the wings off a fly. Except we're not allowed guns in Canada.

This is why ninja powers are important. If your three-year-old got attacked by a cougar, what would you do?

Obviously, you would activate ninja powers and fight back. In fact, the Canadian Ministry of Environment even suggests that you do exactly that (FIIGHT). There were 29 non-fatal cougar attacks in the last 100 years - but remember, the Canadian ninja has a much higher chance of surviving due to extreme ninja skills. In case you are among the lucky who are going to be visiting Vancouver for the Olympics, you may want to take note of these suggestions.

a) Take martial arts lessons before arriving so you will be prepared to fight off attacks by coyotes, cougars and bears.
b) Always carry a large stick with you.
c) Because coyotes attack the head (from behind according to Wikipedia, or perhaps the face) it is best to wear a helmet when you're outside. Preferably one with a mask, like a motorcycle helmet or a hockey helmet.

It also must be mentioned that our dogs are also ninja trained. Sometimes they are too small to fight the animals off themselves, as seen above where the owner was forced to intervene. But they also do pretty well, and are suuper loyal: Retriever saves 11-year-old boy from cougar attack in Boston Bar

Canadian Med-Schools and their shaky understanding of "informed consent"

Gloomy story, gloomy picture

As a long-time patriotic Canadian (that’s Niagara there, folks. I didn’t have any Toronto pictures on hand) I was shocked to see Canada tied up in a pretty nasty headline over at Feministing.

"Apparently in Canada, medical students practice pelvic exams on women who are in surgery without their consent."(Link)

At first I was confused, and simply dismissed it as a headline blown out of proportion. I thought it must be a one-time occurrence, an ongoing lawsuit wherein one drunken medical student made it past security (the intense security that must surround every unconscious patient) and slipped his (or her) hand under some poor woman’s dressing gown.

According to the informal survey presented by the article, 72% of medical students have done an unauthorized pelvic exam on an unconscious surgical patient (Link). A pelvic examination can be either external or internal; it was not specified which act was performed. An internal pelvic exam without consent is called, “penetration of an unconscious person with a foreign object”, more broadly known as rape.
California courts recently found a man on two felony counts, including “rape of an unconscious person” (Link). This sexual assault will result in a man facing “a long prison sentence”; hopefully a very long one.

The woman quoted with regards to the unauthorized pelvic exams admitted that she had performed these exams several times during her time as a student. A repeat offender, so to speak. Maybe some people will see her as misguided, or only as someone who was afraid to speak up. After all, medical school is not a particularly easy or simple place to be, and after four years of undergrad, functioning on an average of three hours of sleep a night – no one wants to risk their chance to finally become a doctor.

She quickly puts this opinion out of my mind, however, but saying, “…it had never occurred to me that it might be unethical.”(Link)

In quintessential Grey’s Anatomy fashion, I ask you—

Seriously? Seriously?

Unethical seems like a gross understatement. If someone sticks something phallic, be it a penis or that little ducky thing that they use for pelvic exams, without consent, they slip off one side of “unethical” and fall deeply into "criminal”.

I may be taking this too seriously, or reacting too strongly. This could be because I’m frankly ashamed to have such a headline tied to the Canadian medical school system, or it might have something to do with all the surgeries I’ve recently been knocked-out for. The idea of some teacher making rounds to my vagina with a bunch of sleep-deprived students watching makes me feel sick to my stomach. If I had been conscious and in a teaching hospital and slated to have a PAP anyway, I might actually said yes. But when someone is chemically unconscious and strapped to an operating table is not an appropriate time to stick a head (and the above noted ducky tool) between their knees.

The only comfort I can take from this is that the last two times I had surgery, I was on my period. I bet that was a gross surprise for those nosy insomniac med-school fuckers.